Fear

I am sitting inside a dance studio, listening to an acting coach give a talk to a group of actors. I am not a part of this workshop. Sadly, I cannot act but I love watching people act. It is my job! I came here today to observe and listen and somehow get a grip on the people I am going to work with.

As much as I wanted to listen intently, I find myself thinking something else. I worry too much and sometimes I dread thinking the worst. I wanted to stay home but I will feel guilty knowing my staff are working. I may end up worrying.

When you lead a team, it’s a must that you are in control no matter how confusing the situations are. The decisions that lies in my hand are often too scary to do but I have learned to toughen myself and take the risks. Though there are moments that I need to pretend I am in command. The truth is, there are times that I really am unaware of what to do next. I still grope regardless of expertise and experience.

Every time I feel scared, I look back to the days when I was struggling to get into this network. I try to remember how I was when I landed my first job, my first show and miraculously I would feel more determined and confident to make decisions.

I want to think that fear is something you can control, something you can distort to your advantage or something you can defeat if only I can do anything without being scared. Apparently, I have avoided doing some things because of fear. I chose to conquer fear when it comes to work but not when it comes to pleasure and recreation. I do not get the point of riding a roller coaster or jumping down in a building. Riding a roller coaster in Hongkong only escalated or probably triggered my fear of heights. I am working hard to get over that experience and feel normal when I see a roller coaster. I am glad that I tried zip line and sky walk. Peer pressure helps sometimes.

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Photo courtesy of Crown Regency Hotel.

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