Sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I remember you, everything about you, our brief moments together. They were very few but somehow those memories are embedded in my head and in my heart. I can’t seem to erase them no matter how I try to hate you. The truth is I don’t know how to hate you.
You were my first love and my first broken heart and hopefully my last. I always thought I was over you the day you married her. I regret that I never paid attention to you back then. I ignored you pretending things will work on its own. I regret that I never tried to communicate with you because I was too proud and shy to do it myself. I regret that I was not too bold back then, that I never told you I love you or I will wait for you. Maybe it could have made a difference between you and me. Maybe I could have stopped you from falling in love with her.
But after ten long years, even without seeing you or hearing anything from you, my heart still knows you and I don’t know how to stop it from falling for you all over again. You came like you were never gone. You woke my heart from a deep slumber. I was doing fine living in sin. Not caring about what people think of me. I was so determined to fight for the love I thought was love but you waiver my feelings for him and I start to question why am I in this situation. Why am I stuck in a relationship that has no future? Why am I fighting for something that I cannot have and will never have? You made me question why I take all the crap when I deserve better. You made me realize that I am worth more than what I was getting. You asked me why I allowed this to happen to myself and I don’t know the answer.
My ten long years of sinful relationship crambled little by little because you came back and you made me look at myself differently. Finally, I began to see things the way I should have seen them. I learned how unfair my relationship was. I have always been the least among his priorities and I never did question why. I always understood or say I understand even if I don’t and it was hurting me. I sucked it all up for so many years thinking it was okay. It became a habit that I’m too comfortable to break.
You said you have a mission to pull me out from this fucked-up situation. I laughed at you pretending it was impossible to happen but I know deep inside that it was bound to happen. You were supposed to be a distraction, nothing more. I kept on reminding myself everytime we talk. I understood when you told me that you love her and nothing will come in between your marraige, not even distance. You were too honest that it hurts but you were an easy prey and I liked the challenge. I wanted revenge for the pain you caused me then and now. I wanted to prove to you that there was something wrong with your marraige. Why would you look for me after all these years? You simply said you wanted closure. You wanted to apologize for hurting me. Yet you hardly remembered what you did that hurt me the most. You told me that there’s nothing to this whether I believe you or not and you promised to leave me alone after accomplishing your mission.
I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hang on to whatever we have, no matter what it was or how little it was. I managed to drag you into a fucked-up stuation while you tried to pull me out from mine. I never expected it to happen. You were not meant to fall for me. We were not meant to fall in love.
You were true to your words. You left. You never bothered saying goodbye because I asked you to. I knew even before something started that I would beg you to stay, that I will move mountains just to be with you. I never cared about the future. So I understood and I knew you will never give me false hope. You will always say the truth no matter how painful it was. I saw the remorse in your eyes when we were together. I knew you tried not to succumb but I’m glad you did because those moments no matter how brief and few they were, they made me really happy.
Thank you for saving me. Thank you for setting me free. Thank you for giving up on us when I don’t know how. Sometimes I cry, longing for you but I know what happened was all for the best and I will cherish the pain you left me. It kept me sane and it will probably keep me company until I’m ready. For now, I am looking forward to better days without you…
I pray to have more courage, more patience and more understanding. I pray to have more faith not only to myself but to everyone around me. I seek forgiveness for all the ill thoughts that I have. I apologize for the hurtful things I say. I try as much as I can to never break my silence but like any other people, I find it futile to be indifferent. Aggression and hostility are two intensifying feelings that seem to cloud each day. Hypocrisy will never be my thing. If at some point, I have come to ignore you as a person and avoided looking at you, I think it’s a cue that I have had enough and I do not want to take any more shit from you or from anyone. How many chances do I owe you? Until when do I need to take all these? What I don’t understand is how can you be around people when you’re selfish? How do you go about stepping on other people? So please be considerate. Be kind. Be mindful of the feelings of others. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? How would you feel if we reversed roles? Karma is a bitch. I always believe in it. Don’t expect pity from me because I will certainly laugh at you when karma strikes.
11 days before Christmas and the joyful feeling is everywhere. I wanted to skip celebrating this year. Hibernate all I want. Sometimes it sucks being an adult. The pressure used to be so slow in catching up. Well, this time it actually caught me at a bad time. And I have been angry and bitter for quite sometime. Darkness looms with me everyday. But I’m slowly seeing the light so there’s probably hope. Plus how am I suppose to burst the bubbles of others? I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I try to be indifferent at times but all I felt was guilt. So, I changed my mind and I vowed to celebrate like I used to for life is too short. Have a Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy! ❤️
What kind of a friend I am depends on the kind of friendship you are offering. I can bare my heart and soul. Show you how great I can be beneath my flaws and all. Let you judge me, trample or laugh at my absurdity but still I will remain caring and understanding towards you. Fight for you until the end. Keep your secrets until I die. But forgive me if I may have secrets of my own that I cannot tell but rest assured it has nothing to do with you. I remain loyal no matter what but please understand if I don’t share your opinion. I choose to believe my conviction even if everyone is against it. But betrayal in friendship is something I cannot forgive. I would rather be confronted than listen to sugarcoated lies. Believe me when I say that I can turn my back on you if you betray me. So don’t let greed and lies turn you into someone I despise the most. Don’t let me become a cruel person.
Some years ago, my dad used to remind me these:
1. Never to get pregnant while still in school;
2. Finish school and have a degree;
3. Find a work that pays well;
4. Marry at the age of 26;
5. And have children before you reach 30 years old
I did the first 3 items. But totally ignored the last two. Hahahaha! I just haven’t met the man of my dreams.
I am single at 34 years old. Never been engaged or married. Never been a mother to any child. Quit judging and making assumptions why I’m still single because I will tell you myself.
I am not a man hater. I don’t think I’m ugly neither am I stupid. I am very normal, just a regular working human being. I am not a loner. I have friends, believe it or not. I’m quite popular. I’m bragging. Hahahaha!
Modesty aside, I had suitors as early as 12 years old but I fell in love once in highschool, once in college and once when I started working. My first love was unreciprocated so I concentrated on getting higher grades to ignore the feelings. In college, it was a mutual understanding but he graduated ahead of me and got married while I was still in school. It was painful and I was broken hearted big time! My first and only serious relationship happened when I started working. A complicated relationship for a first boyfriend? Stop! I know. I was young, in love, gullible and foolish. It lasted for almost 12 years. I endured it for as long as I can. I used to think that life will end without him. Unfortunately, I was wrong. One day, I woke up my fears all gone and realized how crazy I have been so I called it quits. No regrets. Apparently, my decision to be free made me more happier and stronger.
Being single is a choice and a deliberate decision and I am not closing my doors to any possibilities but I am also prepared for the inevitable. I am unafraid to grow old alone and without children. If this is my destiny so be it. I have lived a life with love and I’m glad I had the privilege to experience that. It took a while for me to realize that I should also live to love myself. It may sound selfish but it’s true.
Sunsets are picturesque and like a photo, we endeavor to get that same image in our lives but most of the time it’s impossible to keep picture perfect moments. Emotions don’t last forever. It changes from time to time on varying intensity. However you feel today, remember that it comes and goes around. You can’t remain sad for too long. Happiness will gradually reach you. Have faith! A wonderful day to all! ❤❤❤
It’s September! Time flies too fast. Before you know it, it’ll be Christmas and we’re welcoming another year. So before the year ends, forget and forgive. ( I need to remind myself too. 😜 ) Do not dwell on hate for life is so much better when you’re free from grudges. Happy thoughts everyone! A blessed Sunday to all of us! ❤
Spending some quality time with my family. My brothers were in a good mood today. We hardly see each other. I think they missed me. Hahahaha!😂