You Saved Me

  

Sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I remember you, everything about you, our brief moments together. They were very few but somehow those memories are embedded in my head and in my heart. I can’t seem to erase them no matter how I try to hate you. The truth is I don’t know how to hate you.

You were my first love and my first broken heart and hopefully my last. I always thought I was over you the day you married her. I regret that I never paid attention to you back then. I ignored you pretending things will work on its own. I regret that I never tried to communicate with you because I was too proud and shy to do it myself. I regret that I was not too bold back then, that I never told you I love you or I will wait for you. Maybe it could have made a difference between you and me. Maybe I could have stopped you from falling in love with her.
But after ten long years, even without seeing you or hearing anything from you, my heart still knows you and I don’t know how to stop it from falling for you all over again. You came like you were never gone. You woke my heart from a deep slumber. I was doing fine living in sin. Not caring about what people think of me. I was so determined to fight for the love I thought was love but you waiver my feelings for him and I start to question why am I in this situation. Why am I stuck in a relationship that has no future? Why am I fighting for something that I cannot have and will never have? You made me question why I take all the crap when I deserve better. You made me realize that I am worth more than what I was getting. You asked me why I allowed this to happen to myself and I don’t know the answer. 
My ten long years of sinful relationship crambled little by little because you came back and you made me look at myself differently. Finally, I began to see things the way I should have seen them. I learned how unfair my relationship was. I have always been the least among his priorities and I never did question why. I always understood or say I understand even if I don’t and it was hurting me. I sucked it all up for so many years thinking it was okay. It became a habit that I’m too comfortable to break. 
You said you have a mission to pull me out from this fucked-up situation. I laughed at you pretending it was impossible to happen but I know deep inside that it was bound to happen. You were supposed to be a distraction, nothing more. I kept on reminding myself everytime we talk. I understood when you told me that you love her and nothing will come in between your marraige, not even distance. You were too honest that it hurts but you were an easy prey and I liked the challenge. I wanted revenge for the pain you caused me then and now. I wanted to prove to you that there was something wrong with your marraige. Why would you look for me after all these years? You simply said you wanted closure. You wanted to apologize for hurting me. Yet you hardly remembered what you did that hurt me the most. You told me that there’s nothing to this whether I believe you or not and you promised to leave me alone after accomplishing your mission.
I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hang on to whatever we have, no matter what it was or how little it was. I managed to drag you into a fucked-up stuation while you tried to pull me out from mine. I never expected it to happen. You were not meant to fall for me. We were not meant to fall in love.
You were true to your words. You left. You never bothered saying goodbye because I asked you to. I knew even before something started that I would beg you to stay, that I will move mountains just to be with you. I never cared about the future. So I understood and I knew you will never give me false hope. You will always say the truth no matter how painful it was. I saw the remorse in your eyes when we were together. I knew you tried not to succumb but I’m glad you did because those moments no matter how brief and few they were, they made me really happy. 
Thank you for saving me. Thank you for setting me free. Thank you for giving up on us when I don’t know how. Sometimes I cry, longing for you but I know what happened was all for the best and I will cherish the pain you left me. It kept me sane and it will probably keep me company until I’m ready. For now, I am looking forward to better days without you…

A Letter to EA

20130423-213530.jpg

It took me more than twelve years to have the guts to call it quits. I endured 12 fucking long years! That long huh? Needless to say, I tried. I really did. I gave you more than enough chances to make up for all your shortcomings. I forgave you even if it was too much to bear. I turned my head, deafly, blindly and embraced who you are and everything about you. I thought I can do it forever. It was wrong to believe that love will keep us together, that love will substitute everything in between, that it can fill the gap and the emptiness.

So starting today, you should direct all your energies to your children. I cannot compete anymore although I never really dared to try it. I’m setting you free. No grudges. Swear! I’m letting you go. I’m moving on and leaving everything behind. I’m sorry if I sound so cold. But right now, this is all I’ve got, a numbness, an indifference and probably a coldness that you can never blame me. You brought these feelings out of me.

As much as I wanted to keep you sane and happy, as much as I want to support you all through out, I can’t anymore because I realized I have myself to think first. I need to love and take good care of myself now more than ever. As crazy as this can be, I still feel scared and confused sometimes. The stigma of this relationship on me will forever be imprinted on me. I don’t really care for as long as it doesn’t hamper my happiness. People can judge all they want. So be it. I deserve this anyway. Let them savor it.

There is no need to elaborate more on my flaws and faults because none of them matter now. I do know I made some mistakes too. I am sorry for that. I hope you forgive me the way I did.

I suggest we stop talking or running into one another and live our lives separately. Maybe someday we can be friends again. But for now, let’s both learn to live peacefully on our own. Don’t ask questions about me from our friends. Don’t answer questions about me either. Believe me it would be easier to move on if you don’t know a thing. I’ve turned off the tracking app in my phone so you won’t have to waste money inquiring my whereabouts.

No need to worry. I am more than capable changing the light bulbs when they don’t light. I won’t call you crying when something breaks in the house. I promise. I can do the fixing on my own. I can throw my garbage too. I can clean my appliances when they need dusting. I can eat on my own like what I have been doing all these years when you fail to arrive on time or when something came up and you need to cancel our date or break your promise.

No need to explain to others why you don’t know a thing about me. You can always choose to ignore them. And I would understand if you ignore me too. Please understand also if I do the same. Treat each other indifferently.

And before the year ends, I will move out of this house because your memories linger here. Isn’t that funny? I live here and you never did but this house is all you. Must be because you chose this house for me. You were with me every step of the way when I decided to live independently. We sort of planned our lives here. Hoping we’d get that far.

I will always be grateful for all the things you taught me. Thank you for always believing in me, for making me brave when I’m too scared to do a thing. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful and special. Thank you for listening, for being a shoulder to cry on, for being my bestfriend. Thank you for all the good, happy and better days. I learned a lot. Thank you and goodbye.

20130423-213850.jpg