You Saved Me

  

Sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I remember you, everything about you, our brief moments together. They were very few but somehow those memories are embedded in my head and in my heart. I can’t seem to erase them no matter how I try to hate you. The truth is I don’t know how to hate you.

You were my first love and my first broken heart and hopefully my last. I always thought I was over you the day you married her. I regret that I never paid attention to you back then. I ignored you pretending things will work on its own. I regret that I never tried to communicate with you because I was too proud and shy to do it myself. I regret that I was not too bold back then, that I never told you I love you or I will wait for you. Maybe it could have made a difference between you and me. Maybe I could have stopped you from falling in love with her.
But after ten long years, even without seeing you or hearing anything from you, my heart still knows you and I don’t know how to stop it from falling for you all over again. You came like you were never gone. You woke my heart from a deep slumber. I was doing fine living in sin. Not caring about what people think of me. I was so determined to fight for the love I thought was love but you waiver my feelings for him and I start to question why am I in this situation. Why am I stuck in a relationship that has no future? Why am I fighting for something that I cannot have and will never have? You made me question why I take all the crap when I deserve better. You made me realize that I am worth more than what I was getting. You asked me why I allowed this to happen to myself and I don’t know the answer. 
My ten long years of sinful relationship crambled little by little because you came back and you made me look at myself differently. Finally, I began to see things the way I should have seen them. I learned how unfair my relationship was. I have always been the least among his priorities and I never did question why. I always understood or say I understand even if I don’t and it was hurting me. I sucked it all up for so many years thinking it was okay. It became a habit that I’m too comfortable to break. 
You said you have a mission to pull me out from this fucked-up situation. I laughed at you pretending it was impossible to happen but I know deep inside that it was bound to happen. You were supposed to be a distraction, nothing more. I kept on reminding myself everytime we talk. I understood when you told me that you love her and nothing will come in between your marraige, not even distance. You were too honest that it hurts but you were an easy prey and I liked the challenge. I wanted revenge for the pain you caused me then and now. I wanted to prove to you that there was something wrong with your marraige. Why would you look for me after all these years? You simply said you wanted closure. You wanted to apologize for hurting me. Yet you hardly remembered what you did that hurt me the most. You told me that there’s nothing to this whether I believe you or not and you promised to leave me alone after accomplishing your mission.
I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to hang on to whatever we have, no matter what it was or how little it was. I managed to drag you into a fucked-up stuation while you tried to pull me out from mine. I never expected it to happen. You were not meant to fall for me. We were not meant to fall in love.
You were true to your words. You left. You never bothered saying goodbye because I asked you to. I knew even before something started that I would beg you to stay, that I will move mountains just to be with you. I never cared about the future. So I understood and I knew you will never give me false hope. You will always say the truth no matter how painful it was. I saw the remorse in your eyes when we were together. I knew you tried not to succumb but I’m glad you did because those moments no matter how brief and few they were, they made me really happy. 
Thank you for saving me. Thank you for setting me free. Thank you for giving up on us when I don’t know how. Sometimes I cry, longing for you but I know what happened was all for the best and I will cherish the pain you left me. It kept me sane and it will probably keep me company until I’m ready. For now, I am looking forward to better days without you…

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Helping Without Really Being Asked For Help

I don’t go around malls watching people or making eye contact. I barely recognize people because I am too absorbed with myself or my intension for going to the mall but today, I don’t know what force came over me. I don’t think I am sad or depressed either. I don’t have a major problem. On the contrary, I woke up happy and excited to go to SM Cubao to
register for voting. 
I must really be growing old to be this sentimental when I hardly know this old lady. I don’t even know her story and yet I feel like crying with her. I bumped into her outside Pizza Hut SM Cubao this morning while I was waiting for the van to pick me up. She was teary eyed and trying to hold hersel from crying. She was probably around 70 to 75 years old. She was alone. She was carrying a small plastic with papers. I assumed they were medical records and prescriptions. I heard her asked a security guard where to find Mercury Drug. I watched her and followed her from a far while she goes in and out from one establishment to another around SM Cubao. I am drawn to her. I don’t know why. It’s like I feel her pain or something. It’s like she’s calling for me and I couldn’t go without talking to her. I was thinking I would really regret if I don’t approach this lady.
From the looks of it, she was asking for help, soliciting money. I stood out in front of Great Image while she talked to a guy inside. She was probably explaining. I waited for her to come out. I know she didn’t get any help when she walked out and proceeded to GQ Barber Shop because I asked the guy myself. I was standing outside GQ waiting for her to come out when the van arrived honking on the other side of the street.
So when she came out from GQ Barber Shop, I gathered the courage to call her and personally ask what she’s doing. She asked me why and told me that she saw me looking and following her. She just said a few words and I couldn’t contain what I felt. I cried before she even became teary eyed. She tells me her son and grandson are both in the hospital and she’s asking for monetary help because she’s the only one left to care for them. I didn’t finish listening to her story, I couldn’t because I feel like I was on the verge of breaking down myself. It’s like my heart is gripped so hard that it hurts. I gave her a 500 peso bill, the only money I brought with me, and held her hand. I told her in tears that I hope they get better soon. She thanks me and I left. I stopped myself from crying on the way to work. I don’t want the driver to question me.
I pray that her son and grandson survive whatever illness they have right now and they be of good health. I pray that more people will notice her and have a heart to hear her story and help her. 

Alex Meets Lana

I made a promise that I will no longer tolerate malicious thoughts. But right now, its inevitable not to drool over this woman standing beside me. She’s probably Asian. I’m speculating. She has black hair, bronzed skin and a face of an angel. Her brown eyes looks sad but whenever the camera flashes it shifted into an expression of wildness and sultry that leaves me in awe.

The advantage of being a model is that you can re-invent yourself and act differently in front of the camera. A change in clothes and accessories will give you a look far more sophisticated than your real self. I love the feeling of superiority it gives me. But the feeling only lasts while you are being shot. And after a while it gets tiring. Posing. Smiling. Acting tough, innocent, sexy and so on. It is all a fake me. Don’t get me wrong. I love this job. But it’s a high maintenance work. You have a career if you stay fit, supple and stunning.

So as I was saying, this woman I’m modelling with for today is oozing with sex appeal. Her name is Lana. I heard from the photographer. We’re shooting a sexy ad for a new cologne brand. The shots based on the briefing will be about a man and a woman, almost naked and on the verge of making love. Its awkward to be caressing someone I don’t know. But her scent is provocative and she’s agressive, never shy in doing what the photographer asks her. How am I going to shut this thought of kissing her when she’s too close. I can feel her skin and I can smell her hair. She seems oblivious to the fact that I’m a stranger. She acts like we’ve known each other for a while. She looks at me with those pleading eyes, longing to be touched. Of course, its an act but why do I feel the urge to respond. I can’t concentrate with this closeness. There is something about her that I can’t seem to explain. I am drawn to her which I find astonishing because I have always been immune to beautiful women at work. Is it lust? I must be crazy. I hate having these thoughts. I hope we finish this shoot before it gets uncomfortable for both of us. I will try to focus my attention to the photographer.

“Focus Alex!!!” My agent called my attention because the photographer is starting to get pissed with me. Shit! I am out of my wits today. I had to apologize for my lack of concentration. I am so embarrassed. In the corner of my eye, I can see Lana smiling. She’s enjoying my embarrassment and discomfort.

We are on to our last shot. I can’t wait to get away and be as far as I can from this stunning woman. She’s intoxicating! Holy cow! I remembered seeing the last frame for this shoot. I need to kiss her for real. As soon as the thought sinks in, my heart begins to beat faster like it’s going to pop out of my mouth. How hard could kissing be? It’s not like I haven’t kissed anyone before her. I hope she doesn’t hear my heartbeat. It’s getting louder and faster as my lips gets closer to touching her lips.

Wow! Feeling like I am kissing for the first time. I had to close my eyes when my lips touched hers. She opened up her mouth and enjoyed our kiss. I had to stop myself from smoldering her. She tastes like mint. Her lips so soft. I can’t seem to get enough. My kiss is starting to get deeper. And before I lose my head on this kiss, we’re done. Thank God! I hate to be slapped because of a kiss. She moves gracefully and before I can come up with something to say, she leaves.

I am regretting as I watch her walk away. Should I stop her and introduce myself? Should I ask her name? Her number? Should I ask permission to get in touch? I feel so stupid. Why do I feel flustered when she’s near. I can’t seem to start a simple conversation with her. I need to have that courage now. Do something Alex!

“Lana! I’m sorry. Did I introduce myself? I’m Alex.” It sounded urgent. So she stopped and looked at me. I went to her, extended my hands. We shook hands. I look funny. She smiled and said, “I know. Your agent told me.” And I was at a lost for words when she looked at me. As I continue to stare in disbelief, she managed to say, “I have to leave now. Do you need anything?” Speechless. I shook my head and wave goodbye. There goes my chance. Gone like a wind.

Falling in Love with Lee Min Ho

I don’t remember being insanely in love with an actor when I was in school. I admired a lot of popular stars and drool over them but not to this extent. I know I’m too old for this but what the heck. This adoration gives me such happiness and excitement that I cannot explain so I’d like to keep doing this until the feeling wears off which I think will be a long time.

It’s funny how my fan mode immediately turned on everytime the name of Lee Min Ho is mentioned in any conversations or if a photo of him becomes visible or a video of him and his shows flashes in the screen.

How did I fall for this six footer skinny guy?

The very first Korean drama that I ever watched in full was Stairway to Heaven. It was probably the most painful and heartwrenching story at that time. I remember how my brother laughed at me for crying a bucket over this drama. It took me weeks to get over the whole thing which led me to setting aside watching another Kdrama. Not until Kim Sam Soon came that my curiosity got the best of me. It was hilarious and I had so much fun watching it. I watched Coffee Prince too because of Gong Yoo. But these were all I’ve seen when Gelli de Belen-Rivera and I struck a weird conversation at work about Korean dramas.

I can’t remember what show Gelli and I were working together at that time. It was probably Panday Kids for all I know. But I remember her lending me a dvd copy of Boys Over Flowers which started this craziness over Lee Min Ho. We were both excited at the idea and she insisted that I watch it. She said I should start with it and that I will never regret seeing it. There were other dvd copies of Kdramas and movies that she made me borrow to watch. I took all her advice on what to watch and she taught me where to watch online too. Our conversation at work usually starts with all the gushings and squeling over some Korean actors and the story, conflict and climax of some dramas we were watching. I guess we became sort of close because of all these topics about Korean dramas.

Boys Over Flowers. I wasn’t so keen on watching BOF particularly when I saw how many episodes I had to go through. Because I was working that time and I can only spare a few hours, I thought it took forever to finish watching the whole drama. I was trying to squeeze in watching BOF everytime I had the chance and there were instances when I don’t sleep at all just to watch the episodes. Little by little, I grew fonder of Go Joon Pyo. His curly hair, cute smile and the temper were ravishing and I can’t get enough of it. Soon I was looking through the internet for more Lee Min Ho dramas. I opened a Twitter account so I can follow his twitter account @ActorLeeMinHo. I started searching for channels in YouTube that usually post videos of him. I watched Personal Taste and bought a dvd copy of it. I loved City Hunter and Faith too. I even tried watching Mackerel Run, his drama way before BOF. Too bad I can’t find a link or copy of Sam and I and ET. I also bought an iphone when I heard about the Lee Min Ho application. For a while, it was in my phone until I changed to iphone4s and accidentally deleted the said app. I also have a Line because of him.

Yes! He swept me off my feet and it keeps on getting stronger! I am head over heels, crazy about him! Saranghae LEE MIN HO! ❤❤❤

Credits to the owner of this photo. Not mine. I just edited this.
Credits to the owner of this photo. Not mine. I just did some editing on this photo.

Belated Happy Vday ❤

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” ―Bob Marley

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Don’t let heart aches and broken promises turn you into someone skeptic, bitter and disillusioned. Love comes unexpectedly and may take you by surprise. Love may be folly but it’s still something worth experiencing and feeling. Believe in romance and serendipity. Happy ❤’s Day everyone! 😍